Accessed 16th
August 2013
http://www.newstatesman.com/2013/08/laurie-penny/men-sexism
Of course all men don’t hate women. But all men must know they benefit from sexism
Anger is an
entirely appropriate response to learning that you’re implicated in a system
that oppresses women – but the solution isn’t to direct that anger back at
women.
LAURIE PENNY
PUBLISHED 16 AUGUST 2013 10:04
This is going to
hurt. In the past few months, it has been almost impossible to open a newspaper
or turn on a television without encountering a story about another underage
girl being raped, another female politician harassed, another trans woman
murdered. But as women, girls and a growing number of male allies start
speaking out against sexism and injustice, a curious thing is happening: some
people are complaining that speaking about prejudice is itself a form of
prejudice.
These days,
before we talk about misogyny, women are increasingly being asked to modify our
language so we don’t hurt men’s feelings. Don’t say, “Men oppress women” –
that’s sexism, as bad as any sexism women ever have to handle, possibly worse.
Instead, say, “Some men oppress women.” Whatever you do, don’t generalise.
That’s something men do. Not all men – just some men.
This type of
semantic squabbling is a very effective way of getting women to shut up. After
all, most of us grew up learning that being a good girl was all about putting
other people’s feelings ahead of our own. We aren’t supposed to say what we
think if there’s a chance it might upset somebody else or, worse, make them
angry. So we stifle our speech with apologies, caveats and soothing sounds. We
reassure our friends and loved ones that “you’re not one of those men who hate
women”.
What we don’t
say is: of course not all men hate women. But culture hates women, so men who
grow up in a sexist culture have a tendency to do and say sexist things, often
without meaning to. We aren’t judging you for who you are but that doesn’t mean
we’re not asking you to change your behaviour. What you feel about women in
your heart is of less immediate importance than how you treat them on a daily
basis.
You can be the
gentlest, sweetest man in the world yet still benefit from sexism. That’s how
oppression works. Thousands of otherwise decent people are persuaded to go
along with an unfair system because it’s less hassle that way. The appropriate
response when somebody demands a change in that unfair system is to listen,
rather than turning away or yelling, as a child might, that it’s not your
fault. And it isn’t your fault. I’m sure you’re lovely. That doesn’t mean you
don’t have a responsibility to do something about it.
Without invoking
dull gender stereotypes about multitasking, we should all agree that it’s
relatively easy to hold more than one idea at a time in the human brain. It’s a
large, complex organ, the brain, about the size and weight of a horrible,
rotting cauliflower, and it has room for many series’ worth of trashy TV plot
lines and the phone number of the ex-lover you really shouldn’t be calling
after six shots of vodka. If it couldn’t handle big structural ideas at the
same time as smaller personal ones, we would never have made it down from the
trees and built things such as cities and cineplexes.
It should not,
therefore, be as difficult as it is to explain to the average male that while
you, individual man, going about your daily business, eating crisps and
playing BioShock 2, may not
hate and hurt women, men as a group –men as a structure – certainly do. I do
not believe the majority of men are too stupid to understand this distinction,
and if they are we need to step up our efforts to stop them running almost
every global government.
Somehow, it is
still hard to talk to men about sexism without meeting a wall of defensiveness
that shades into outright hostility, even violence. Anger is an entirely
appropriate response to learning that you’re implicated in a system that
oppresses women – but the solution isn’t to direct that anger back at women.
The solution isn’t to shut down debate by accusing us of “reverse sexism”, as
if that will somehow balance out the problem and stop you feeling so
uncomfortable.
Sexism should be
uncomfortable. It is painful and enraging to be on the receiving end of
misogynist attacks and it is also painful to watch them happen and to know that
you’re implicated, even though you never chose to be. You’re supposed to react
when you’re told that a group you are a member of is actively screwing over
other human beings, in the same way that you’re supposed to react when a doctor
hammers your knee to test your nerves. If it doesn’t move, something is
horribly wrong.
Saying that “all
men are implicated in a culture of sexism” – all men, not just some men –may
sound like an accusation. In reality, it’s a challenge. You, individual man,
with your individual dreams and desires, did not ask to be born into a world
where being a boy gave you social and sexual advantages over girls. You don’t
want to live in a world where little girls get raped and then are told they
provoked it in a court of law; where women’s work is poorly paid or unpaid;
where we are called sluts and whores for demanding simple sexual equality. You
did not choose any of this. What you do get to choose, right now, is what
happens next.
You can choose,
as a man, to help create a fairer world for women – and for men, too. You can
choose to challenge misogyny and sexual violence wherever you see them. You can
choose to take risks and spend energy supporting women, promoting women,
treating the women in your life as true equals. You can choose to stand up and
say no and, every day, more men and boys are making that choice. The question
is – will you be one of them?
Laurie Penny is the
contributing editor of the New Statesman
